Bit of a story for you...

It's a house party scene. Friends of friends allowed kind of thing. I won't go into why but one of these friends of a friend was being a complete dick. Everyone was putting up with him for the greater good of the party and the fact that he was there as a 'plus one'. That and he was a big dude. Then he stepped over the line and I thought, I never do anything about guys like this. I always think I will and don't. Well this is what happened the time I did do something about it. Let's put you in my shoes...

***
I stand up out of the chair. Furious yet calm. I just let it roll over me and take control. I'm not going at this half assed. The bloke needs a slap and if it comes to that... for the greater good I start by talking.

"Are you for real mate. You think you can just turn up here and treat a friend of ours like that?! Ye can in your bollix mate."

He's oblivious. All the reaction he gives is calf-eyed disbelief. It's a thin veil and he thinks no one notices it, but all night it's been pure ego and arrogance. I stare him down til he gets that I'm not playing around, that everyone knows I've called him out. He gets up and walks over. You've started, I tell myself. You have the floor. Dance.

"Don't look at me like you don't know what I'm on about... Ah, now he gets it, huh? You don't do that to people. Ever. How can you treat a fucking dog like you just did her?" Don't let him get a word in. He's keeping up, barely. But I can see he's clinging on to one thing, I have to back this up. He could ruin my everything by just asking what I'll do. Don't back out now man everyone just came in.

"Ha." It's barely a laugh, more a sneer. "Now you're looking at me like your just gonna beat me up? Solve everything? Like anyone here is gonna think any better of you for it? It's fucking pathetic, you're a coward! You know what just get the fuck out. Talking shite all night and acting the bollocks. Go home ye prick."

If he leaves now, I'm as close to a hero I will ever be, but I really have to back this one up... Cool as you like I turn walk back to my chair. I sit down and the whole room is quite. The whole party is quiet. My mouth is dry and the pitch of my voice is going up, not cool. I lift my drink, slowly take a pull and replace it on the table.

"Oh and if you want to, have a crack. But I will beat you senseless for trying..."

I kick back. Close my eyes, listening. He leaves. I allow myself a wry smile of victory and the party resumes But for a few look and the odd nod, you'd never know anything had happened. Respect.

***

Well that's what should have happened. If I'd have... you know. I could have too but, eh. I, he wasn't worth it.

Don't you judge me. Everyone does this. Plays out what they'd have done in their head Like they're cooler than a mullet? Fuck you.


Also, never let me write or direct a film...


Bry...

Lies I like to tell people who seem to like lies... #1

"The reason it takes so long to fly home from the States to Europe is that you have to contend with the rotation of the earth as you fly, "Catching up with Europe" as it's commonly known. You see the earth rotates West to East and once you leave the ground it moves out from under you. It's only really noticeable over long periods of time though. Why do you think bungee jumpers always end up swinging to the side?"


Bry...

Never assume...

Short, imaginative and concise. I deliver the punchline, and? Nothing. Anything? I don't require appraisal it's just nice to get a reaction.

We argue 'til slowly, the silence takes over. Then he says...

"The only reason you have to explain it is 'cause it's not funny."

"..."


Fuck.


_________
Bry...

Entrepreneurial me...

When I start my maternity clothing range I'm going to call it "May contain traces of Nuts".

Bry...

Embracing the inevitable...

When I get a job I want it to be as a mathematician for a large accountancy firm. I'd go to all of the meeting that I could and my only input to the whole project would be, "The figures don't add up." It could be like a catch phrase... I wouldn't embellish it with grittiness or some sort of "am-I-right?" inflection, just say it. Dead straight. All the time. Without fail. Maybe add a little pause just before I say it, sit back tapping my lips, exhale, so they think I'm calculating right there and then. I'd never get fired...

Bry...