I know they go for the same music style but seriously, liam may actually be trying to turn in to John Lennon at this stage.

Lies I like to tell people who seem to like lies... #2

"Golf? Is that what you said? Golf. I've never heard of it."

"Steve, I think he's hold that baseball bat wrong..."



... Bry

Consider yourself...

Predicament: The toilet seat is cold.

Perspective: The toilet is not warm...



... Bry.

Developed over years of training...

"How's them for reflexes?!" he beamed as he returned both pieces of cutlery to the dinner table.

"Pfff, yeah well my wife's cataplectic..."

Swimming with Sharks.

I have never really shied away from talking of my disdain for nightclubs. Women dolled up to impress other women. Men skulk about sizing each other up in a constant state of leering. To me - and I get that other people are into that scene, just not me - it's just a big melting pot of flesh, roiling about in a broth of testosterone and fake tan, bad scene. But then a friend of mine told me his idea for one of the greatest social experiments I have ever heard...

"Every guy in the place gets into a huge fight and the winner gets the best looking girl in the place." This system gives birth to a pegging order being constructed by the only true form of assortment. Natural selection. The man should be crowned for devising this idea. Imagine the scene...

The gasps as the pretty boys go down first. The contrast of the rings of girls shuffling and dancing, lost in the music, oblivious to the carnage. The bass bins drown out the cracks and screams as the men beat the piss out of each other in the name of superiority. As you get knocked out you pair off with a tangible representation of your manliness. The further you get the more proud and idiotic your smile is as your arm is taken when you walk up to the bar.

When the last two settle there is no more need for squaring up. No measurement of your ability or false assumption of your place in the madness. No need for the term 'Out of your league', there is only one league and you have your place now. Everyone just knows the deal. The scene is suddenly perfect, devoid of all pretensions, and the fun would just detonate. The fight forgotten.

erm...

I put it somewhere smart but it seems I was a little too smart for me. Now I'm not sure which of those smarts I am...


...Bry

I save the day.

I saw a beautiful girl in the park the other day so while she wasn't looking, I took a picture of her dog. I've spent the last few days putting up 'Lost Puppy' posters all over town, using that same picture. So when some one steals her dog and brings it to me...

... I save the day.

Bit of a story for you...

It's a house party scene. Friends of friends allowed kind of thing. I won't go into why but one of these friends of a friend was being a complete dick. Everyone was putting up with him for the greater good of the party and the fact that he was there as a 'plus one'. That and he was a big dude. Then he stepped over the line and I thought, I never do anything about guys like this. I always think I will and don't. Well this is what happened the time I did do something about it. Let's put you in my shoes...

***
I stand up out of the chair. Furious yet calm. I just let it roll over me and take control. I'm not going at this half assed. The bloke needs a slap and if it comes to that... for the greater good I start by talking.

"Are you for real mate. You think you can just turn up here and treat a friend of ours like that?! Ye can in your bollix mate."

He's oblivious. All the reaction he gives is calf-eyed disbelief. It's a thin veil and he thinks no one notices it, but all night it's been pure ego and arrogance. I stare him down til he gets that I'm not playing around, that everyone knows I've called him out. He gets up and walks over. You've started, I tell myself. You have the floor. Dance.

"Don't look at me like you don't know what I'm on about... Ah, now he gets it, huh? You don't do that to people. Ever. How can you treat a fucking dog like you just did her?" Don't let him get a word in. He's keeping up, barely. But I can see he's clinging on to one thing, I have to back this up. He could ruin my everything by just asking what I'll do. Don't back out now man everyone just came in.

"Ha." It's barely a laugh, more a sneer. "Now you're looking at me like your just gonna beat me up? Solve everything? Like anyone here is gonna think any better of you for it? It's fucking pathetic, you're a coward! You know what just get the fuck out. Talking shite all night and acting the bollocks. Go home ye prick."

If he leaves now, I'm as close to a hero I will ever be, but I really have to back this one up... Cool as you like I turn walk back to my chair. I sit down and the whole room is quite. The whole party is quiet. My mouth is dry and the pitch of my voice is going up, not cool. I lift my drink, slowly take a pull and replace it on the table.

"Oh and if you want to, have a crack. But I will beat you senseless for trying..."

I kick back. Close my eyes, listening. He leaves. I allow myself a wry smile of victory and the party resumes But for a few look and the odd nod, you'd never know anything had happened. Respect.

***

Well that's what should have happened. If I'd have... you know. I could have too but, eh. I, he wasn't worth it.

Don't you judge me. Everyone does this. Plays out what they'd have done in their head Like they're cooler than a mullet? Fuck you.


Also, never let me write or direct a film...


Bry...

Lies I like to tell people who seem to like lies... #1

"The reason it takes so long to fly home from the States to Europe is that you have to contend with the rotation of the earth as you fly, "Catching up with Europe" as it's commonly known. You see the earth rotates West to East and once you leave the ground it moves out from under you. It's only really noticeable over long periods of time though. Why do you think bungee jumpers always end up swinging to the side?"


Bry...

Never assume...

Short, imaginative and concise. I deliver the punchline, and? Nothing. Anything? I don't require appraisal it's just nice to get a reaction.

We argue 'til slowly, the silence takes over. Then he says...

"The only reason you have to explain it is 'cause it's not funny."

"..."


Fuck.


_________
Bry...

Entrepreneurial me...

When I start my maternity clothing range I'm going to call it "May contain traces of Nuts".

Bry...

Embracing the inevitable...

When I get a job I want it to be as a mathematician for a large accountancy firm. I'd go to all of the meeting that I could and my only input to the whole project would be, "The figures don't add up." It could be like a catch phrase... I wouldn't embellish it with grittiness or some sort of "am-I-right?" inflection, just say it. Dead straight. All the time. Without fail. Maybe add a little pause just before I say it, sit back tapping my lips, exhale, so they think I'm calculating right there and then. I'd never get fired...

Bry...

Flips

Also, I was at The Flaming Lips at the Picnic... It was just pure, unbridled happiness. Amazing.

Bry...

A Calculator

Calculator Jim had a problem with sums

Particularly concerning the obvious ones

A tad worse for him than for me or for you

Considering that’s what he’s programmed to do

He cannot speak English or use any tools

He hasn’t got thumbs and can barely spell 58008

“A Masters in Science, that’s what I need”

To satisfy my intellectual greed.

Sellotape, Paper and Pencil chipped in

To send Calculator off to begin

Where everything started oh so long ago

Soon I’ll have software release 2.0

“Doctor!” Jim shouted. "The bugs in my head!"

I’ve tried hot, flat 7up and resting in bed

“I’ve replaced that old software you’ve since your youth

And had Lithium Battery installed to boot”

Back in the office Jim found himself work

Counting and crunching for all he was worth

Inverting and solving with Sin, Cos and Tan

As Professors dependable, Jim was the man

At times the Professor couldn’t calculate right

He’d scream at his students provoking a fight

A boy took offense to his rude agitation

Resulting in Professors defenestration

Jim fell and skidded and amid all the fuss

he met his demise ‘neath the wheel of a bus.

Bry

Hee hee hee...

One more for today and then I have to start thinning out the posting on the page. It's not always going to be comics so I should really wait, but hey, ask and you shall receive (but only this once...)

Bry

The Forlorn Potatoe.

I've had this image in my head for ages and I just figured I should share it with you (pl).

Bry...

Chauvanism

This is a comic that I drew,

Lettuce know what you thinks...

Bry...

Hanger

More better uses for household items... Thats right, more better.

H-eye-brow

It's kinda sad that i'm amused by this.

....tap.